flowerchildofGod's Xanga

Wednesday, August 01, 2007

Wed, 01 Aug 2007 17:52:20 GMT

Holy cow...I'm getting married on Sunday.

*sigh* I'm in love....with Andy Erickson.

Thank you Jesus for such an amazing, stretching, and growing year. I never thought that being engaged would be so wonderful. Thank you for every high and every low that taught me something new about me AND you.

I'm excited about being married.

Friday, April 27, 2007

Fri, 27 Apr 2007 23:16:39 GMT

i am shielded in my armor.

Tuesday, March 13, 2007

Tue, 13 Mar 2007 06:51:07 GMT

Okay...let's just talk this through.

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Desperate for changing
Starving for truth

I can't stay here any longer. I am hurting for a change in my walk with the Lord. There is so much built into my thought processes and character that need truth spoken over them. But that isn't the spark. That's just the hurdle. I am desparate for the Lord. I can't go any further without more of Him. What I am doing right now isn't working any more. I've got to find the reality, because right now friends, I feel like I'm living in the Matrix. God please! Wake me up!

I'm closer to where I started
Chasing after you

I'm back where I started. Ground zero. It's like I am sitting on in the church van my sophomore year of high school all over again and the staff leader from Cederville looks at me and says, "So, what are you studying in your devotionals right now?" To which I respond with a big fat, "Huh? What are devotionals?" Nearly my whole life had been spent in church and that was the first time anyone had ever told me that I was supposed to spend time with the Lord daily! It's like my freshman year of college when Jeff Alexandar said, "You can be filled with the Spirit - just ask!" I walked into that worship hall that night determined to get filled...AND I DID! I am chasing after you Lord! I can't afford to look back, it would waste precious time.

I'm falling even more in love with you
Letting go of all I've held onto

Do you believe me when I pray this? That even as cold and dead as my heart can be that it is still capable of falling in love? Especially with someone I've never seen? It's not that the bedtime stories aren't so real that I can't help but swoon for you. No, Jesus, it's the sound of your voice, the comfort of your hand, your fire in my heart. It fuels me. It pushes me. Nothing of this world is worth hanging on to. Everyone keeps asking if it's hard to leave Qdoba. But in my heart it really isn't. This was where you brought me and this is where you are leading me from. I'm following you - not the other way around.

I'm standing here until you make me move
I'm hanging by a moment here with you

I figure I have nothing. I am nothing. I'm just a stinking human. Don't make me stay in the world. Oh God! I've had glimpses of this spiritual realm - you gotta take me there. I need to walk there...to dance there...to simple move inside there. Everyone minute I wait feels like an hour and every hour - a lifetime. I am living an entire life again and again everyday I get up. I fight..I live..and when I can't find you, it's like I collapse and die at night. Enter sleep. And yet, you find me there too. You are what wakes me up and gives me the energy to do it again. This cycle will end. I am fighting for it.

Forgetting all I'm lacking
Completely incomplete

At this point, I figure it's not even worth dwelling on my sin. I can't change it on my own. Only you can. And every time I try to do this on my own I fail. I fail miserably. I have to learn to hate the things I take refuge in if I am ever going to give it all to you. There are holes all over me and in everything I do. If people had x-ray vision they would see through my exterior to the gaping holes underneath. Only your spirit fills me up and makes me whole. Step aside pride - I've run out of room for you in my life.

I'll take your invitation
You take all of me now...

If you trust me, I'll trust you. Do you really trust me? You keep saying you do. It's like you're not ever worried. You are just sitting there like you already know that I will be crossing over. What if I stumble along the way and I don't make it? What if I fail? Are you ready for that? Do you have a back up plan? If that happens, does that mean all hope is lost and that I will never be everything I could have been? I'm freaking out!! But I trust you. Head first - here we go!!!

I'm living for the only thing I know
I'm running and not quite sure where to go

I've tried everything else, and you are the only thing that fulfills. In short, you are really the only thing I know. I can't figure anything else out...and sometimes I think that I can't figure you out...but somehow, you always make sense in my heart. Like an instinct. I'm looking ahead even though I don't recognize the path. Full speed ahead even though there are no maps to guide me. I'm am completely reliant on your voice and the presence of your spirit. It's all I've got. But it's more than enough.

And I don't know what I'm diving into
Just hanging by a moment here with you

WHAT AM I DOING? Does anybody really know?! This doesn't make sense! It doesn't compute in my head! Nolookingbacknoholdingbackitsallornothingnow. I trust you. I trust you. I don't have to convince myself anymore. I know it's true. I'm holding out. I know this has to be going somewhere. Oh Jesus you are so good. You are so stinkin good.

There's nothing else to lose
There's nothing else to find

I'm giving everything up because control is my downfall. I want to be in control because I am afraid of failing. Failure slices me from the inside. I can hardly bare it. Can you hear me? Better yet, can you feel me? Even talking about it wrenches my heart. On the other hand, there has never been a liberation quite like yours. When I consumed by your cloud it's better than being numb with the drugs. It's not that I'm covering up my pain - it's that it never happened. I can rest my weary heart because I've found what I have been desperately looking for.

There's nothing in the world
That can change my mind

I've spent a lot of time looking at the other paths. Contemplating the gurus' sayings...trying the flow of the mantras out on my tongue. It's all child's play compared to your Name. You are the God of the universe. The Creator. The Savior of the World. No one has anything on you. Try as they may - they will never compare to Jesus Christ.

There is nothing else
There is nothing else
There is nothing else

Whew. Amen.

Desperate for changing
Starving for truth
I'm closer to where I started
Chasing after you....

I'm falling even more in love with you
Letting go of all I've held onto
I'm standing here until you make me move
I'm hanging by a moment here with you
I'm living for the only thing I know
I'm running and not quite sure where to go
And I don't know what I'm diving into
Just hanging by a moment here with you

Just hanging by a moment (here with you)
Hanging by a moment (here with you)
Hanging by a moment here with you

Tuesday, March 06, 2007

Tue, 06 Mar 2007 18:10:53 GMT

As far as the east from the west they say,

I should know my east from west I know...

As far as the east from the west they say,

And I am only human anyway.

There is something inside you that secretly longs for the supernaturaul.

That's what our generation is on the hunt for.

Dial a 900 number...

read your cards...

meditation, mantras, medication...

is all a means to an end.

but all roads don't lead to Rome.

Turns out that worship is a place...not merely an action.

Have you been there?

This is not just a state of mind...it is a physical location.

But you can't walk there...

There's no bus.

Sound the alarms and awaken the watchmen!

Open your ears let the voices ring out!

We prophesy that you'll come to this nation...

Touch this generation with a holy visitiation.

We return to you.

fasting and weeping and mourning

Make sure you bring something for your feet

because the ground is hot with fire.

Wednesday, February 21, 2007

Wed, 21 Feb 2007 22:40:24 GMT

Steadfast make my willing heart.

Saturday, February 10, 2007

Sat, 10 Feb 2007 22:34:19 GMT

And He set me on fire, and I am burning alive.
With His breath in my lungs I am coming undone.
And he set me on fire and I am burning alive.
With his breath in my lungs I am coming undone.
And I cannot hold it in and remain composed.
Love's taken over me and so I propose the letting myself go.
I am letting myself go.

You are my joy.
You are my joy.
You are my joy.
You are my joy!

Saturday, February 03, 2007

Sat, 03 Feb 2007 04:17:08 GMT

small things that you don't know (but should know!) about bethany thorn:
1. she likes salami
2. she doesn't own a darn thing. not a pair of socks, no food - nothing. everything she has is something Jesus has blessed her with. so if you need it, just ask. if you don't ask, she'll figure out that you need it and give it to you anyway without batting an eye.
3. she LOVES flowers
4. she notices you. even when you think no one sees you...she does. and then she prays for you.
5. SHE GAVE ME HER BIRTHDAY!* bethany ann thorn's birthday is a national holiday...and this year she gave it to me. she took me out for dinner, she drove me around for dessert, and then she took me to a stellar movie! know anybody else that would do that? i didn't think so.
6. she likes the smell of peach.

*please notice the emphasis on number five. if you are still in shock, just pray. i'm sure Jesus will hear you and send you someone to change your life the way that bethany has changed mine.

Tuesday, January 23, 2007

Tue, 23 Jan 2007 06:07:04 GMT

Chances are you've stopped clicking on my site because I never update it.

Well...tonight's news consists of this: I got glasses today.

Stay tuned for further details.

Monday, January 08, 2007

Mon, 08 Jan 2007 22:17:30 GMT

SALT

Sunday, December 17, 2006

Sun, 17 Dec 2006 21:05:09 GMT

How can I understand the beauty of what I am giving away, if I don't first embrace it myself?

I am cherished. I am beautiful.